Mad World…

I had a sort of relaxing dream yesterday.   I don’t know why but it had this song playing during it and I think it fit quite well….play the song, read the entry…….

My alarm goes off and I awake, I am moving in a very fluid slow motion and everything is happening as if I am watching myself.   I get up and touch my hand to the spot where Aqila usually sleeps.  I feel tears well up and I push them back.  I go to get my clothes out of the closet, and I slowly run my hands over Aqila’s dresses.   I sigh and hold them close to my skin, tears well up and I push them back. I go into the bathroom and I go through the motions of getting ready for work.   There is a towel on the back of the door, I smell it, trying to force the last scent of Aqila left on it.  I feel the tears well up again and I push them back.   I look at the different hair care products and lotions on the counter.  I ritually smell each one, closing my eyes and pretending Aqila’s soft skin is next to me.   Tears well up and I push them back.  I get dressed, an overwhelming depression feels like a weight I am carrying.

As I exit the my apartment the people walk by in slow motion and I see them pass in slow motion, each face looking like Aqila, but I know in my mind she is gone, and she has been gone, but I refuse to accept it.   My brain also refuses to accept it and I see her in every face I look at.   When I go to get coffee everyone in line looks like Aqila, the barista looks like Aqila, I can’t take it anymore and I begin to hyperventilate and tears well up in my eyes.  I run out of the coffee shop, trying to sprint, but I cannot, the weight of depression pushing down on me.   I trip and fall and for a second I stay down and fight off tears.   A hand reaches for me, it looks like Aqila’s, for a second I feel a smile and my chest swell,  but when I look up it is just a man.   I get up, tears running down my face, I look around and all I see is Aqila’s face, the world begins to spin and I start tugging at my shirt, I see a bus coming down the street and just as it is about to race by I smile, close my eyes, and step in front of it.

I wake up, kiss the back of Aqila’s neck listen to a little sigh exit her lips, feel her scoot in closer to me and I become unbelievably thankful for the time I get to spend with her.

1 Comment

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One response to “Mad World…

  1. Mom

    True Love …. it feels so good it hurts

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