Sometimes I often feel that I think I am much better than I am. I wouldn’t call it cocky, although some might. No, this is more of a “I am good enough to do that but I choose not to” sort of mentality. However roughly translated it actually means. “I am too lazy to make an honest effort, and as a side note, I am afraid I might fail and not be as good as I thought.”
In my life I have always been more on the science side of the world, creativity was not seen as being that intertwined with the analytical thinking process, although I disagree greatly with this statement it is just how the world is. Even on my SAT’s I scored much higher on my verbal than on my math.
Sure I loved writing, but so many people do, and now in a day of blogs, tweets, status updates, and a million and one ways to express yourself it is becoming harder and harder to not get lost in the mire of the creativity when you are humbled on a daily basis by what others are doing.
However conversations I have had with people are leading me to believe a few things. Recently a few people who I respect (and who are not family members) have commented on my writing and expressed an enjoyment of it. Believe it or not resonates deeply with me. I can never tell if it is good or not. But then again I get to see where the sausage is made and know what goes into final dish that you guys eat. Maybe that is why I see the faults and mistakes, whereas those who did not create do not.
The other thing I learned is that inspiration is hard to come by sometimes. I am a teacher, I have a loving family, a loving girlfriend, I feel well-balanced and happy, but the stories I have inside are none of these. Not sure what it is I like about reading and watching the darker side of life, but comics about demons, the devil, hell, the undead, all that intrigues me to no end. It is funny to me because I am not a dark person, I am not depressed, but I do have an unhealthy obsession with serial killers and what makes them tick. I often spend hours reading about famous serial killers and what led them to do what they do. I guess it is goes along with my intrigue for human behavior.
I often wonder if I should have been a homicide detective, I am good at breaking down behaviors of people and predicting what they will do. A hobby of mine which I should stop. Putting people in conversations or debates to help me better ascertain their personality. I will often lead the conversation somewhere and try to predict their reaction, this often leads to my bad habit of interrupting what they say. Something I need to work on.
This leads me to my current project. I have had enough of the “I could do it if I wanted to” and want to step into the “fuck it, if I fail I fail but at least I know I tried”. This is why the joint upcoming film project I am working on….and acting in as well along with my Shepherd screenplay are so important to me. I am really looking forward to the acting part of my next project, I cannot reveal anything about it, mostly because I am just a co-writer. But the acting I am looking forward to. Aqila is getting scared because I am practicing the character’s personality when I can and well, lets just say I have done enough research to know about these type of people.
Which brings me to my next thought. We are all a little bit of crazy, some just hide it better than others, there is no doubt that we have created a movie set that we all act on, a facade of sanity for us to feel good around. However this always leads us to think “How does he have it so together, look at him….” Not knowing that person is thinking the same thing about the other person.
As I write notes and scenes for The Shepherd I realize that I need to stop thinking “I can’t let people see that side of me….” This leads to shitty writing. I really do just owe a lot of my recent inspiration to Kevin Smith, he just said “Fuck it, I am who I am and if it offends people so be it, my family gave me this crazy so they will understand….”
I have someone I want to co-write The Shepherd with me, he is a bit hesitant because as we all are, is quite busy. But this guy has the voice I need for The Shepherd, so Luke, it is now or never buddy. His writing reminds me of walking down a dirty street at dusk, a brisk wind bites at my neck and causes me to flip up the collar on my coat, hunker down into it and look sideways out of my slit eyes and clench my jaw at the world around. The exact type of narrative that will bring Shepherd to life.
So as I sit down to write on Scrivener, a screenwriting software program, I need to shake out the everyday John Romano move over and let my Dark Passenger drive. The darkness we all have that most of us ignore, the one who tells you to grab the throat of the person who just cut you in line, the voice that rationalizes why stealing is OK, the voice that makes you want to take a piano wire to the extended middle finger of the person you pissed off. We all have this Dark Passenger, some of us are just better at hiding him. Some of us have ignored him for so long he no longer speaks, and some of us converse with him daily.
My Dark Passenger, oh, he is an evil fucker alright. My dreams are evident of this. The reality of the carnage that goes on in my dreams is enough to leave most people in tears, I mean it is not easy to have an unbelievably lucid dream where you have to pull shrapnel out of your abdominal cavity, or are being tortured for information with a blow torch…..or worse, being the one torturing a person. So what should I do with this Dark Passenger? There is no need to let him waste his voice on my a single sleeping individual. No, I think I need to let the Dark Passenger take the keyboard when I write and let him get out what he needs to get out.