I don’t know what initiates these cycles of insomnia, but I do know and have accepted they will be with me for my time. I just need to learn to appreciate the time I don’t suffer from it.
Aqila has seen my torment as I get up and pace, roll back and forth, and ask her if I am awake or dreaming. However a recent TV show gave her one of those AH HA moments.
We were watching Fringe, a wonderful sci-fi TV show that deals with fringe science. A science that borders and skirts the realm of reality. In this show there was a character who visualized the world in multiple layers, seeing what was going on, and at the same time multiple scenarios that could also occur at the same time.
The program manifests this by showing him watching a scene unfold and then splitting the screen into multiple panels all showing a different scenarios unfolding. All the while the man stood there rolling his fingers, a habit who if anyone knows me is my own.
She gave me a look and said “Oh my God, that’s you!”.
Not so strangely enough I was going through a routine of finger motions at the same time, telling her I was also organizing tomorrow’s classwork in my head, figuring out how many dishes were left in the cabinet so I could decide if I should run the dishwasher, and watching the show.
In times of insomnia, when things won’t shut off I roll objects in my fingers at an alarming rate. To save my clothing I pile my pockets full of string so I have something else to take out my fervent finger motions on. It has saved me from destroying clothing…and myself….save my fingers. My thumbs, index fingers, and middle fingers exhibit the wear and cuts from continual motion.
The downside of my style of insomnia is the 3-5 minute REM cycles I experience. I go from awake right into a lucid dream, to awake again. I remember being awake and thinking “I will watch a program”, I put on Sons of Anarchy and noticed the faces of the characters were all distorted like muppets. I remember thinking that I really needed to get more sleep and when I put my head down on the pillow I blinked and went to turn off the TV to find it was already off. Never feeling the seamless transition from awake to dreaming. Every detail is so spot on in my dream that I can’t tell the difference…..even the alarm clock in the room keeps the same time through my dream and awake.
So how do I realize I am awake throughout the day….I provide myself with a constant. The wonderful morning shower. This is my door to reality. Once I exit that shower I know I am awake. There are times when I wash my hair twice, or soap up twice forgetting I had done it before, or not sure if I had done it before, but when I exit that shower. I know I am awake.